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December 17, 2008
The Cat's Meow - 12/17/08: Metaphors
Modern liberalism is about throwing out the baby and re-using the bathwater.
Respectfully submitted,
Ferdinand T. Cat
# At Wed 4:28 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (0) | More The Cat's Meow | Tags: abortion conservative environmentalism folk sayings humor metaphors satire
December 15, 2008
The Ellie Zone - Don't Hurt My Feelings
WARNING!!!! Past this line lies...
The Ellie Zone
This place is wrought with horror and destruction! Enter at the risk of your sanity.
Ok. Intro's over.
I sincerely apologize for not getting to you guys last time. I ran out of topics. So, if you guys have any suggestions, E-mail Bruce The Human Pet and he'll forward them to me.
So anyway, the topic for today is pretty weird. Basically, I'm going to try to talk about a certain characteristic of mine that is very odd and very complicated, so I thought it might be a good post. Ok, fine. I'll start now.
I am emotionally numb.
This is the best way to put it, but still doesn't fully describe it. I guess you could say I'm deprived. But even that doesn't really work.
You see, thing is, well, it's sorta....
Ok. here's the deal. I do everything according to impulse. So, because of this, I never know what I'm feeling. Now, this is different than what you all are probably thinking. It's not that I don't feel stuff. I do. I get angry and sad and annoyed and frustrated and really really happy and all that jazz, I just can't tell the difference. And no, it still isn't what you're thinking. It's not that I don't know what to feel, It's that I don't know what I'm feeling.
It's difficult to explain. It's sort of like when your foot falls asleep. You know that it's there, but you can't feel it.
Yeah. It's like that. I know that I'm feeling stuff, but I don't know what it is. I know that I have emotions, but I don't know what they are. I know, but I don't. Does that make sense?
I think I should have stopped at the foot thing. It's the same as that, only there isn't any tingling afterwards. So I guess you could say my emotions are asleep.
I'm happy, how about you?
Smile,
Ellie The Gremlin
# At Mon 4:44 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (2) | More The Ellie Zone | Tags: culture emotions family psychology The Gremlin weird
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December 9, 2008
Notes from Ferdy - A Unique Opportunity for Illinois
It appears that the Democrat-controlled Illinois Legislature is plotting to impeach Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. The idea is that with Blagojevich being arrested for bribery and corruption, they have an excuse to grab the privilege of appointing the individual who will replace President-elect Barack Obama in the U.S. Senate. Blagojevich is also a Democrat, so you may be wondering why his fellow Democrats are plotting against him instead of closing ranks. The reason is that the Democrats in the Illinois legislature and the Democrats in the Illinois executive branch have very different ideas on how to spend the billions of dollars we don't have.
The problems began with funding for the governor's AllKids socialized medical plan. This plan, which is remarkably similar to Barack Obama's health-care ideas, would fix the chronic budget shortfall by creating jobs and making health-care less expensive. Instead, things got worse, which is exactly what I predicted. How to pay for it became an issue, and the fight dragged on until we almost had to shut down the entire state. This inability of liberal Democrats to get anything done working in cooperation with other liberal Democrats is why I still have hope that the next four years won't be a complete disaster.
And this is the unique opportunity for Illinois. For so long we have lagged behind other states, with badly-performing schools, a badly-performing economy, and a badly-performing baseball team. Now, with Obama poised to enter the White House, we are on the cutting edge of governmental stupidity. STUPID GOVERNMENT IS TRENDY, AND ILLINOIS DID IT FIRST. Those of you with sensible children who are embarrassed at having been born here (and Bruce knows some of those children personally), tell them to take heart: the hot new thing is Illinois Stupid, and we had it first.
Suffer and writhe as you sink into the tar pits of irrelevance, liberal elites both east and west, because the new future is right here in flyover country.
Respectfully submitted,
Ferdinand T. Cat
# At Tue 6:58 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (1) | More Notes from Ferdy | Tags: Barack Obama conservative Democrats economics health care humor Illinois liberals politics Rod Blagojevich satire trends
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Tel-Chai Nation: Illinois governor arrested in scam to try and sell
The Cat's Meow - 12/09/2008: Fear Itself
The only thing we really have to fear is that the people running the government think the New Deal worked.
Respectfully submitted,
Ferdinand T. Cat
# At Tue 3:26 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (0) | More The Cat's Meow | Tags: conservative Democrats economics emotions fear liberals philosophy politics The Great Depression
December 7, 2008
Dog Bites Man - Bad News For Crooks Is Good News For Us
I was trolling the internet this morning and if you take the Obama-gushing out, all the big stories seem to be bad news about the economy. Hidden in the cracks is some good news about people who got what was coming to them. This is news that needs to be told, especially to budding criminals. Click on the links to read some of these stories, take comfort in them, and consider forwarding them to any budding criminals in your vicinity.
- Charity convicted in terrorism financing trial: A step forward in the War On Terror: a charity that funnels money to Hamas is raided, and five of its leaders are convicted.
- Conn. Sex Offender Charged With 1980s Murders: Even after 20 years, and the wrong guy getting the rap, you Will Be Caught.
- Obama fundraiser, convicted of fraud, spills beans: Sing little birdie, and bring the crows home to roost.
Sometimes, when dog bites man it is news.
# At Sun 3:35 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (0) | More Dog Bites Man | Tags: Barack Obama crime and punishment journalism justice news Tony Rezko
December 5, 2008
The Ellie Zone - Daddy's Just Gone on a Very Long Trip...
WARNING!!! Past this line lies...
The Ellie Zone
This place is wrought with horror and danger. Enter at the risk of your sanity.
Ok. Now that the intro's over with. You know, I always have fun writing that, but maybe that's just me.
This time, since I otherwise have absolutely no topic, I've decided to talk about something that we all, secretly, fear. This thing, is called...
Death.
We all know of it. The endless sleep. The endless dream. The first step of that journey onto heaven, or hell. We all fear it, fearing the end of our lives, fearing the unknown. And yet some of us, the very miserable and unwell some, accept it gladly. They hug it close, and wish for it to take them away.
We fear it, simply because it is unknown. It is an subconcious rule that whatever you don't know is dngerous, and that you shouldn't ever walk right into it, or it may bite you. This is what the fear of the dark comes from.
We have given this fear many names: Death, the Grim Reaper; the Angel of Death. Even the Lord God Almighty has the Devil to lead the evil into the afterlife. And of course, for the little children there is always the very long trip...
I have never really ever understood this. Yes, I realize that if you tell your kid that their parent just died in a horrible accident, they'll be scarred for life. But couldn't you think of a better excuse? I mean, eventually they have to realize that after a month, no one's come back, right? Heck, why not use the same excuse for divorce? "Yeah, Daddy's just going on a very long trip. You won't see him for a very, very long time." And then they'd tell the little kid something to make them feel better. This, of course, only works if one of the parents got full custody, or something, and the other parent is never seen again. Otherwise, it's just a lie.
But isn't it a lie in the first place?
In death, aren't they forever gone? Shouldn't you just tell them that Mommy's never coming back? Or that the reason they haven't seen their father in so long is because he's actually dead?
That reminds me of another euphamism. "He's gone to a better place now." You serious!! Are you seriously saying this?! What if he was an evil S.O.B. that didn't deserve to live? Wouldn't it make you feel absolutely awful to know that there is even a possibility that he's happier now?
Whatever. It makes some people feel better, so I guess it works for all of them...
On a "happier" note (ha ha), I would also like to talk about suicide. Now, I know this is a touchy subject, because the people who attempt suicide actually have something wrong with their brain.
I'm serious. All the doctors and stuff say that the reason people get depressed is because they don't have enough of a certain chemical flowing around in their brains. I can't remember what it is at the moment, but I'll get back to you.
In school, there is a class called Health. Unless you're weird (read previous posts), you don't like this class. In fact, this was the source of the loss of most of my innocence. Anyway. In Health class they pretty much tell you the same thing over and over again. What happens to a guy and a girl when they hit puberty (Sex Ed); First-Aid, CPR, and how to call 911 (?!); and, finally, what happens to people that get sick. This is mostly mental sickness, because they touch up on the other stuff in First-Aid.
One of the mental things we cover is Depression. In here, they talk about how people who are depressed can't help it, and even show us a video where some of them are interviewed. <:sarcasm>Let me tell ya. It's loads of fun.</sarcasm>
Still, even with all that, I still feel that they're idiots. I mean, why not value life while you can? Love the ones you care about, eat the things you want, and for heaven's sake, value your happiness.
And, if they aren't idiots, what about us? We just sit there and watch it happen. Why don't we tell someone, even when they teach us again and again to do so? Huh? Why not?!
Whenever I ask this question to somebody, or think about it, I always hear the excuse "Because I promised". Yes, it is honorable to keep your word, but don't you think that if someone's life is in danger, it would be more honorable to break it, just this once?
Face it. Death happens, and there's nothing we can do about.
After the fact.
I'm not trying to offend you, it's just how I think.
Smile,
Ellie the Gremlin
# At Fri 11:39 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (1) | More The Ellie Zone | Tags: culture death depression family life morality religion suicide The Gremlin truth
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Why We Don't Let Peg-Eye Nate Answer the Phone - Fun With Telemarketers
The problem is, of course, that if Nate can't recognize your name on the caller ID, he assumes you're a telemarketer, and the conversation goes something like this.
Nate: Hello?
Caller: May I speak to Bruce?
Nate: He stopped living here after the police decided he was responsible for killing all those telemarketers. Listen, he doesn't have a phone, but I can give him your address.
# At Fri 5:15 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (0) | More Why We Don't Let Peg-Eye Nate Answer the Phone | Tags: humor marketing Nate satire
November 30, 2008
Pearls of Wisdom From Boots the Cat - Bootslicking
Dignity is optional when you're buttering up the person who controls the can opener.
# At Sun 11:37 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (0) | More Pearls of Wisdom From Boots the Cat | Tags: Boots cats humor satire silliness The Girl
The Ellie Zone - If Momma Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy
WARNING!!! Beyond this line lies...
The Ellie Zone
It's filled with fluffy bunnies and pink decorations! *shudders* Enter at the risk of your sanity.
*tears down the pink and fluffiness* Ok. Maybe not fluffiness. *puts fluffiness back* But Pink has to go.
I hate Pink with a passion.
Speaking of pink, isn't it a common stereotype for a girl's favorite color to be pink? Now, I do know many girls who love the color, but I also know many who hate it. Like me.
Actually, my topic for today is girls. Well, sort of. You see, I now have proof that girls, when given motive and an opportunity, can be very, very vicious.
You see, in gym class at school we just finished a unit, and so the gym teacher had to give us something to do for just the one day so that on Monday we could start a new unit. She decided to take this gigantic pink ball, where the outside was a rough fabric and the inside was filled with air (it was very light). She took this ball, and walked to the center of the gym, where on each side was the class (all girls) divided into two teams. She then began shouting to us (since we were far away from her) what the rules for the "game" were. First, in order to score, you had to bounce the ball against the glass part of the backboard of the basketball hoop. Our team scores on the opposite side, and the other team scores on this side. Normal so far. Second, you can bounce the ball above your head or on the ground, but you cannot kick the ball, and you cannot carry it. Still pretty normal. And finally, the last rule.
You can run into, punch, kick, or tickle your opponent. Anything you have to do to score.
And now, for the motive: the winning team gets seven points extra credit.
She threw the ball into the air, and the two teams sprinted toward the center. I was there too, and as I ran I jumped up to hit the ball, and came crashing into a girl midair.
This was the start of the game.
Throughout the "game", the teacher was encouraging us to hurt each other. She would constantly shout "Come on! Pull her hair! Tickle her! Kick her shins!" and so forth. To say the least, people got injured. One girl got punched in the nose; another got bit; while another twisted her ankle.
I myself did not escape unscathed. I scraped my knee, the side of my elbow, and got bruised in many places. However, I also caused some carnage. I didn't hesitate to crash into people, and I didn't feel sorry when I accidentally landed on their feet after jumping. Looking back, I feel kind of sorry for the girls on the other team. After all, my team won, but we were vicious.
But, as we all may know, a woman is not only vicious when confronted with means and opportunity. Women, as a species, are also incredibly frightening when pissed off. This is depicted with the saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." This, translated, means that if the woman in charge isn't happy, she will make the lives of everyone around her a living hell for however long she is pissed off. And believe me, this is definitely true. I have experienced it first-hand, and again I have been on both sides of this experience. I have been the angry one, and I have been the one responsible for anger. Also, I have been the one not responsible, but being treated like so anyway.
As most know, there is also a certain time when women are to be avoided like the plague. The timing is different for everyone, and sometimes they overlap. But when the times comes, you better be equipped with a lot of chocolate.
Smile,
Ellie the Gremlin
# At Sun 1:49 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (1) | More The Ellie Zone | Tags: anger culture education family motherhood philosophy sports The Gremlin violence women
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November 28, 2008
Notes from Ferdy - And Then There's Lucky
Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and the whole family gathered around a sumptuous feast cooked by Barb Gigamaster, who is not only a great chef, but likes leaving an occasional snack where a cat can find it. As always, it is a time to remember what a great blessing it is to be born in the greatest country ever, amidst prosperity our forefathers could not even imagine.
This is a scary time, with the economy faltering, an incompetent Congress holding the purse strings, and an untested President waiting in the wings. Still, we have survived a lot, and people have been predicting the end of the American Age for a long time. Somehow, we keep rising to the top.
The firemen who rescued Lucky thought it was a freak accident that enabled him to escape a burning building, but I've lived with him for almost a year now, and his secret isn't luck, it's courage. No matter how bad a situation appears, Lucky is always looking for a way out. He survives because he doesn't give up.
I'm here, in this wonderful world full of amazing toys, because a whole bunch of Americans refused to give up when the going got tough. I'm thankful for that, and if we all stay the course and keep fighting in this dark time for the principles we hold dear, then someday there will be Americans who are thankful for us.
See you next week.
Respectfully submitted,
Ferdinand T. Cat
# At Fri 6:58 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (1) | More Notes from Ferdy | Tags: Barb cats conservative culture family humor love Lucky philosophy Thanksgiving
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November 25, 2008
The Ellie Zone - We're all Weird
WARNING!!! Beyond this line is...
The Ellie Zone
This place is wrought with terror and fear. Enter at the risk of your sanity.
Ok. That's a bit of an overstatement. I mean, I'm not scary at all, right? ... Right?
Today is going to be one of my strangest topics. This is only post number 3, so I'm not entirely sure if I'll think of something stranger, but this is probably the strangest so far. I mean, come on. I'm talking about normal. What's weirder than that?
Ok. First of all, I think we should define normal. Oh wait. There is none.
Think about it. What exactly do we call normal? Normal is what doesn't stick out, right? And a "normal person" is someone who doesn't stick out. Right? But, what doesn't stick out?
Say you have two fish in a river. One is "normal", and one is not. Now, the normal fish would swim with the current, while the weird one would swim against. But, how did we get a current in the first place?
We started off with a pond. All the fish just sat there and didn't do anything unless someone else did it first. All the fish were cowards, afraid to stick out. But, if one fish moved, the rest would panic, afraid to be different, and copy the first fish.
And then there was current.
But there was yet another fish that did not follow suit. It turned around, and moved a different way. All the other fish pointed and called it weird, but enough switched to form another current.
Enough with the fish metaphor. If you don't get it yet, I'll explain.
You see, there is no normal. There is no one group that everyone must follow. Now, as time went on, groups like this developed, but it all started with someone weird. Without that weird person, we would all still be sitting there, afraid to move, afraid to be different. Without someone who wasn't afraid to not be normal, there wouldn't be a normal. Without someone weird, we wouldn't have something to compare to weird.
So you see, there is no defined normal. There's just a bunch of weird people who convinced people to go along with it.
No offense, it's just what I think.
Smile,
Ellie the Gremlin
# At Tue 5:46 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (0) | More The Ellie Zone | Tags: consensus culture humor normal philosophy The Gremlin
Adventures with Bruce - An Important Note for Bruce's Coworkers
Bruce works in Windows, while most of his coworkers use one or more flavors of Unix. Unix has been around for almost half a century, and it is used at most universities and research labs. Bruce is fairly new to the research business, however, and his last four major projects were all Windows products. His normal mode of operation involves viewing data as scrollable tables and trees, and when he needs something to happen he presses buttons. For the Unix users, everything is typing and tables.
There is constant pressure on Bruce to change. Although nobody can argue that Windows is causing him to miss deadlines, he uses different procedures from everybody else, and there's a suspicion that if he switched, he would find ways to make everybody else's laptops as easy to use as his. Unfortunately, this is not an option. The sad truth is that Bruce is simply too old to learn how to use an operating system designed for teletypes. I love the man, but he has his limitations, and this is one of them.
Respectfully submitted,
Ferdinand T. Cat
# At Tue 4:46 PM | Permalink | Trackback URI | Comments (1) | More Adventures with Bruce | Tags: computers history humor satire Unix WIndows
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